Thirteen-year-old schoolboy, Dirk Lloyd, has a dark secret - in fact he is a dark secret. Dirk - according to his own account - is the earthly incarnation of a Dark Lord, supreme ruler of the Darklands and leader of great armies of orcs and warriors, intent on destruction and bloody devastation. Following a colossal final battle between the forces of good and evil, the Dark Lord was defeated and hurled by his arch-foe's spells into the Pit of Uttermost Despair. At the bottom of the Pit lies...a supermarket car park in the municipal town of Whiteshields, somewhere in modern day England. And when he is found, and tries to explain that he is the Dark Lord, people think he means Dirk Lloyd. The fact that he's trapped in the puny body of a schoolboy doesn't help.

And so begins Dirk's battle to recover his dignity, his power, and his lands... Along the way he faces the inconvenience of being fostered by a do-gooding family, the Purejoies; the torture of endless hours of drudgery at the Whiteshields Brainwashing Centre (aka school); a vengeful Headmaster; two interfering Psychotic Persecutors (psychotherapists); and constant laughter and disrespect when he attempts to marshall his lackeys and lickspittles (friends) to do what he wants them to.

Dirk makes friends with the son of his foster family, Christopher, and the local Goth Girl, Sooz, and together they attempt to cast a spell that will transport Dirk back to his homeland. Inevitably, not everything goes to plan... But that's for book 2.

You can call me master.

Sooz, a 13 yr old girl from Surrey has become the Dark Mistress of Dirk's otherworldly kingdom, the Darklands. Thanks to the Ring of Power given to her by Dirk, his minions recognize her as their ruler. Sooz immediately sets about redecorating Dirk's Dark Tower to the taste of a young girl.

But Sooz has to face her toughest challenge when an army of fanatical paladins and orcs gather to march against her. Despite their centuries of hostility to each other, they prefer to form an alliance rather than accept Sooz's new regime. And what of Dirk? He continues on slaving away at school, plotting ways to rescue Sooz. Eventually he is able to advise her on life in the Darklands and Sooz is able to hold back the fanatical paladins.

The Dark Lord returns. Mwa ha ha!

Fear me, o miserable worm!

I, the Great Dirk, take up my pen once more to record the utter misery that is SCHOOL. My sworn enemy, Hasdruban the White, has infiltrated Whiteshields School and seeks vengeance on me. Naturally, I will triumph. But it is the Dirkest Hour indeed...


-Being struck with a Blast of Ravening Flame
-Banishment to the Slave Pits of Never Ending Toil
-Torment by the Hewer of Limbs


The Legendary Lost Chapters of Doom!

My foolish minion wrote too much and was forced to cut some chapters from book one and two because they were too long. Here is that missing chapter from book one: The Teenage Years. Enjoy! It's all about my visit to one of your superstores, in search of paint to redecorate my sickly little boys room in a style more suited to a Lord of Darkness.

The Art of Darkness

And here is another missing chapter, this time from book 2: A Fiend in Need. Sooz visits the Black Library in the Iron Tower...

The Eye