Dirk Lloyd is a Dark Lord. His old address was the Iron Tower of Despair, beyond the Plains of Desolation, in the Darklands. One he ruled over vast lands, commanded Legions of Orcs and Goblins, cast great spells and waged might wars against the White Wizard and his armies.

Now he lives in an ordinary house in an ordinary street in an ordinary town called Whiteshields in Sussex, England, where he has been put into a foster home for... well, 'difficult' children.

Some of his achievements include: building the Iron Tower of Despair, raising vast armies of Orcs and Goblins, the casting of mighty spells and enchantments (including the spell that forced JAMIE THOMSON to submit to his will and record his life story), and excelling in English, science, and math classes in school. He has only recently turned to writing. Be warned - reviewers who adversely criticize this work will be hauled off to his Dungeon of Doom, subjected to the Racks of Pain, and then consigned to the Slave Pits of Never Ending Toil for all eternity.

Here is what Dirk has to say about himself in his own words:

I am a Dark Lord. Well, I say a Dark Lord. Really I mean THE Dark Lord. I ruled from my Iron Tower of Despair in the Darklands for many ages but then my arch enemy, the White Wizard Hasdruban got lucky, and defeated me in a great battle. He cast me out of my world and I fell to earth, landing in one of your disgusting little supermarket car parks. Worse, that monster Hasdruban (may he suffer the Curse of the Withered Plums!) regressed me into the body of a weak, pitiful, pasty-faced 13-year-old human boy. Oh, the horror! And - indignity piled upon indignity - the witless loons of earth refused to believe my story, and put me in a foster home - with a wretched, human family of sickening do-gooders, no less! And then... and then... did they chain me in the deep caverns below the world? Did they cage me with Holy Bonds or wrap me up in Adamantine Chains and such like? No, no, much worse than that! They forced me to go to school! SCHOOL!!! NOOOOOooooo!