I, the Dark Lord, or the Great Dirk if you like, have completed the greatest story ever told, to wit, my auto-biography, Dark Lord: The Teenage Years, published by my unwitting pawns, Orchard Books. I say auto-biography, as my lickspittle writer slave, Jamie Thomson, actually wrote it, but 'twas under my command, have no doubt of it! And I had to apply the lash. Copiously. It's a lot of work, applying the lash, you know!

Anyway, this grand tale begins with a cruel curse. My arch enemy cast a spell upon me, regressing me into the body of a wretched 13yr old human child and exiling me here on this disgustingly vile place you call earth, where you foolish humans - failing to recognize my true greatness, as you so often do - thought my name was Dirk Lloyd rather than Dark Lord and sent me to school! Oh, the horror of it, the shame! But I shall be avenged, oh yes, so I shall!

Currently, my amazing biography runs to three books of awesome awesomeness!

Now I turn my considerable powers and evil genius to the task in hand - selling the greatest story ever told. And that means you, human scum! Buy my book in vast quantities or you shall suffer the Wrath of Dirk!!!!* (I need the money - you have no idea how expensive Orcish Legions are these days!)

Insincerely Yours,

Dirk Lloyd

The Seal of Dirk, Master of the Nine Hells, Sorcerer Supreme, Lord of the Iron Tower of Despair, the Evil One, He who must not be named, His Imperial Darkness and his Imperial Dirkness, Dark Lord of the Iron Tower, and top of his class in Science. Evil Science, of course.

*The Wrath of Dirk may include some, none or all of the following:

• 1: Cleaning out the Orcish latrines in the Iron Tower of Despair
• 2: Consignment to the Dungeons of Doom
• 3: Struck with the Charm of Sudden Baldness, the Cantrip of Uncontrollable Flatulence, and the Hex of Hideous Hives. Or worse, the Claw of Ripping Death!
• 4: Detention - in the Iron Maiden.
• 5: Turned into a mindless zombie minion of the Dark One
• 6: Various unspecified wildly improbable vexations, disturbances and disruptions.

Disclaimer: Note that the Wrath of Dirk may be unavailable in certain areas and times due to Detention, Suspension, being sent to the Headmaster or other factors like Court attendance or Police Arrest.

The Iron Tower * Plains of Desolation * the Darklands