The Dark Lord, Dirk the magnificent, has renamed your tawdry human dating system with his own version, much more to his liking. All humans should immediately press the powers that be (well, for now, until I take over that is!) to change your calendar accordingly.

January = Coldgrave

February = Bonechill

March = Burn them, burn them all!

April = Blood Showers

May = Fall

June = Doom

July = Gloom

August = Dismay

September = Misery

October = Souls of the Damned

November = Rip out their hearts

December = Darkmas

Your human Zodiac is pitiful, really it is. I, the Great Dirk, have renamed them for you.

HORRORSCOPE

Aries, Ram - Scaries

Taurus, Bull - Bullocks

Gemini, Twin - One-Two-Many

Cancer, Crab - Nastynip

Leo, Lion - Kittenkill

Virgo, Virgin - Good-for-sacrifices

Libra, Balance - Wishywashy

Scorpio, Scorpion - Deathsting

Sagittarius, Archer - Shoot-them-in-the-head

Capricorn, Goat - Smellygoat

Aquarius, Water - Waterygrave

Pisces, Fish - Stinkyfish